Yesterday's de-kit marked the end of my national service. I couldn't say I liked the job very much. Many a time I found myself in a state of introspection after making decisions and taking action. Was what I did right, was it legally sound, did it uphold the image of my organization? Sometimes these 3 things were at odds with each other and all the grey areas muddled my head. Sometimes the easy thing to do was to just stop thinking about it. One thing for sure is that I really enjoyed the company of my colleagues and even managed to find friends in different departments that we worked closely with. I'd say they're the most unaffected and honest bunch of people I've come across which is rare in a working environment but somehow there was awesome synergy in the team.
Hands down, the best 1.5 years of my life spent with all of you from Delta :)
Friday, March 12, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Wabi-sabi
Nothing lasts, nothing is finished, and nothing is perfect.
I had interesting conversations with 2 people today. Just some small talk, really, since we were going to be stuck with each other for about an hour or so. Well, I thought that's what normal humans do when faced with such situations. Then, like most conversations you have (or at least I have) with people I don't really know, it somehow ends up becoming a session where we start to complain about something (misery sure likes company!). The weather was really really hot (FIRST BLOOD. boring, I know!) and that we work pretty long hours (so that easily drew a reaction, hey! see, I'm pretty good at this social thing).
It struck me, that both of them (actually they were bus drivers that I was assigned to follow) swelled with pride when they were describing their children and their achievements. You know, those drool-ey, pesky, noisy martians that grow up to rat-a-tat on their keyboards while you're trying to get some sleep at midnight typing silly things nobody bothers about, doing stupid dangerous things like cycling on roads, and turning across traffic without checking sufficiently to cause screeching of brakes, burning of rubber and scenes of your life flashing through your mind. I'd think they should talk about more important things! Like how many kms they cycle a week and the fastest downslope around.
Maybe I just have to learn to love more. After all, it says in the bible somewhere that we should love our neighbours. Not just the wonderful neighbours who give lifts to the bus stop, and the ones who give you a treat on your birthday even after moving out a decade ago, but everybody; people who I don't feel like caring about, people whom I'd never see again, people who I don't really have to talk to.
Perhaps the brutally practical side causes me to sometimes be unable to appreciate transience. And if I am unable to do something well, I'd be better off not doing it?
Dear God, please help me see that everything and everyone you've placed in my life is for a reason.
I had interesting conversations with 2 people today. Just some small talk, really, since we were going to be stuck with each other for about an hour or so. Well, I thought that's what normal humans do when faced with such situations. Then, like most conversations you have (or at least I have) with people I don't really know, it somehow ends up becoming a session where we start to complain about something (misery sure likes company!). The weather was really really hot (FIRST BLOOD. boring, I know!) and that we work pretty long hours (so that easily drew a reaction, hey! see, I'm pretty good at this social thing).
It struck me, that both of them (actually they were bus drivers that I was assigned to follow) swelled with pride when they were describing their children and their achievements. You know, those drool-ey, pesky, noisy martians that grow up to rat-a-tat on their keyboards while you're trying to get some sleep at midnight typing silly things nobody bothers about, doing stupid dangerous things like cycling on roads, and turning across traffic without checking sufficiently to cause screeching of brakes, burning of rubber and scenes of your life flashing through your mind. I'd think they should talk about more important things! Like how many kms they cycle a week and the fastest downslope around.
Maybe I just have to learn to love more. After all, it says in the bible somewhere that we should love our neighbours. Not just the wonderful neighbours who give lifts to the bus stop, and the ones who give you a treat on your birthday even after moving out a decade ago, but everybody; people who I don't feel like caring about, people whom I'd never see again, people who I don't really have to talk to.
Perhaps the brutally practical side causes me to sometimes be unable to appreciate transience. And if I am unable to do something well, I'd be better off not doing it?
Dear God, please help me see that everything and everyone you've placed in my life is for a reason.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
24/02/10
A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
The past week went by with me thinking that if I didn't mess up on each day, it would be considered a good day. It seemed like the waves of bad things wouldn't stop coming. Although I was with people I really enjoyed being with, my mind would be a million miles away. It got to the point that I could have gotten 9 hours of sleep a night and have someone tell me the next day that I looked tired.
Nobody told me that I'd get andropause when I hit 21.
I think while I was sleeping last night, some gnomes came by and plugged my battery into the wall socket. The work day ended with and I think that God must really go out of His way for me. Everything started to fall in place.
Sometimes (usually the better days) it feels to me that the only thing worthwhile doing is to make someone else's day better. To my family that really goes out of their way every time for me, to my friends who still care for me despite my mistakes and even the people I come across at work and would probably never see again. And then there are times that I find myself taking my family for granted, I have no time for friends who make space for me in their calenders, and I become endothermic. Thanks everyone for putting up with me.
Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine
Dear God, please be the sunshine when it rains in my heart.
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
The past week went by with me thinking that if I didn't mess up on each day, it would be considered a good day. It seemed like the waves of bad things wouldn't stop coming. Although I was with people I really enjoyed being with, my mind would be a million miles away. It got to the point that I could have gotten 9 hours of sleep a night and have someone tell me the next day that I looked tired.
Nobody told me that I'd get andropause when I hit 21.
I think while I was sleeping last night, some gnomes came by and plugged my battery into the wall socket. The work day ended with and I think that God must really go out of His way for me. Everything started to fall in place.
Sometimes (usually the better days) it feels to me that the only thing worthwhile doing is to make someone else's day better. To my family that really goes out of their way every time for me, to my friends who still care for me despite my mistakes and even the people I come across at work and would probably never see again. And then there are times that I find myself taking my family for granted, I have no time for friends who make space for me in their calenders, and I become endothermic. Thanks everyone for putting up with me.
Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine
Dear God, please be the sunshine when it rains in my heart.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
30/01/10
You know you should NOT read cyclists' blogs when you've:
(1) sustained whiplash from sneezing
(2) splattered blood while blowing your nose
and your dustbin looks like one giant-popcorn machine
because it's just going to make you want to ride in spite of your floundering respiratory system
... but it's so much fun =(
Mr Flu consider this your last warning, if you don't die by monday I'm going to OD on fedac and kill you anyway.
(1) sustained whiplash from sneezing
(2) splattered blood while blowing your nose
and your dustbin looks like one giant-popcorn machine
because it's just going to make you want to ride in spite of your floundering respiratory system
... but it's so much fun =(
Mr Flu consider this your last warning, if you don't die by monday I'm going to OD on fedac and kill you anyway.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
19/01/10
Shree once asked me at work "How come I never see you angry?". If memory serves me I said something in reply to the effect of I usually turn the person who's trying to get me mad into something amusing in my mind.
I later read in one of Murakami's novels a character who professed the following: A person may anger or annoy me, but not for long. I can distinguish between myself and another as beings of two different realms. It’s a kind of talent (by which I do not mean to boast: it’s not an easy thing to do, so if you can do it, it is a kind of talent - a special power). When someone gets on my nerves, the first thing I do is transfer the object of my unpleasant feelings to another domain, one having no connection with me. Then I tell myself, Fine, I’m feeling bad, but I’ve put the source of these feelings into another zone, away from here, where I can examine it and deal with it later in my own good time. In other words, I put a freeze on my emotions. Later, when I thaw them out to perform the examination, I do occasionally find my emotions still in a distressed state, but that is rare. The passage of time will usually extract the venom from most things and render them harmless. Then, sooner or later, I forget about them. I realised that I can too identify with this and use it sometimes.
Sometimes it's not easy to be doing what I do. People don't go to NPCs to tell the officers what a wonderful day they had. The lightest hearted people we come across are those changing address (even this is not always the case). We may not be trained to dig shoulder deep trenches or to survive for a week without a bath but this is not a very easy thing to deal with, day in day out. Of course, nary a day goes by when I thank God that I am here and not there
Just happens that the past week or so has worn me quite a fair bit with things happening on off days. It's probably not even such a big deal. I still get ample sleep. Perhaps it was having less time for myself and to sort out the garbage, metaphorically speaking.
Energy levels sunk really low the past 2 shifts and I saw how it drained my patience along with it. It then struck me for the first time, that perhaps one of the reasons I don't get angry so easily, is that it is pretty difficult for me to forgive people. And when I get angry, it REALLY gnaws at me, and like how a salad spinner spins the water out of lettuce, anger spins good sense out my ears. I'm glad I dealt with it the way I did though, choosing not to say anything while I was still angry (MY TONGUE SPITS FIRE, BABY!). I'm also glad I said sorry first. I found out a really good way to deal with anger is to deal with the person one-to-one, when the ego is subdued, and talk things out. Making things right can turn out so much sweeter than being right.
I guess I've just been lucky all this while, being able to run away from anger. But I couldn't run forever, like how it managed to catch up with me. I'm happy I learnt a bit more about myself and how to punch anger in the face the next time I see it.
Of course, in a non-angry way =)
I later read in one of Murakami's novels a character who professed the following: A person may anger or annoy me, but not for long. I can distinguish between myself and another as beings of two different realms. It’s a kind of talent (by which I do not mean to boast: it’s not an easy thing to do, so if you can do it, it is a kind of talent - a special power). When someone gets on my nerves, the first thing I do is transfer the object of my unpleasant feelings to another domain, one having no connection with me. Then I tell myself, Fine, I’m feeling bad, but I’ve put the source of these feelings into another zone, away from here, where I can examine it and deal with it later in my own good time. In other words, I put a freeze on my emotions. Later, when I thaw them out to perform the examination, I do occasionally find my emotions still in a distressed state, but that is rare. The passage of time will usually extract the venom from most things and render them harmless. Then, sooner or later, I forget about them. I realised that I can too identify with this and use it sometimes.
Sometimes it's not easy to be doing what I do. People don't go to NPCs to tell the officers what a wonderful day they had. The lightest hearted people we come across are those changing address (even this is not always the case). We may not be trained to dig shoulder deep trenches or to survive for a week without a bath but this is not a very easy thing to deal with, day in day out. Of course, nary a day goes by when I thank God that I am here and not there
Just happens that the past week or so has worn me quite a fair bit with things happening on off days. It's probably not even such a big deal. I still get ample sleep. Perhaps it was having less time for myself and to sort out the garbage, metaphorically speaking.
Energy levels sunk really low the past 2 shifts and I saw how it drained my patience along with it. It then struck me for the first time, that perhaps one of the reasons I don't get angry so easily, is that it is pretty difficult for me to forgive people. And when I get angry, it REALLY gnaws at me, and like how a salad spinner spins the water out of lettuce, anger spins good sense out my ears. I'm glad I dealt with it the way I did though, choosing not to say anything while I was still angry (MY TONGUE SPITS FIRE, BABY!). I'm also glad I said sorry first. I found out a really good way to deal with anger is to deal with the person one-to-one, when the ego is subdued, and talk things out. Making things right can turn out so much sweeter than being right.
I guess I've just been lucky all this while, being able to run away from anger. But I couldn't run forever, like how it managed to catch up with me. I'm happy I learnt a bit more about myself and how to punch anger in the face the next time I see it.
Of course, in a non-angry way =)
Monday, January 18, 2010
18/01/10
You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
10/01/10
It was Adeline and Ron's wedding yesterday. It was really nice to see 2 wonderful people getting married. Wishing the 2 of you God's blessing in your marriage :)
After that managed to spend the last half hour of Brian's birthday at his place. It was really fun and everyone drank too much. Happy 21st bro.
Was pretty stoned at church today. I think it was terrible to turn up at church like that but I'm glad I made it at all.
After that managed to spend the last half hour of Brian's birthday at his place. It was really fun and everyone drank too much. Happy 21st bro.
Was pretty stoned at church today. I think it was terrible to turn up at church like that but I'm glad I made it at all.
Friday, January 8, 2010
08/01/10
So that's what it feels like to have the rug pulled from under you. An incisive slice through the heart. I always fancied I had a good head on my shoulders and could be above this all. It took a dream to teach me how far I could fall. That did hurt, a lot.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
06/01/10
Had a date with mummy today at Cafe Vic. The food was pretty good and I left room for the enticing cakes too which did not disappoint. Once again (as usual) I overate so that was my only meal for a day and since it was so many calories I...
Had a ride with Justin later that night. It's been about 8 months since we last rode. The floor was pretty wet after the rain so I didn't have a very good feeling about riding. But Justin just went for it and I knew he meant business when he went into an aero tuck and went into the bend leading to Bukit Timah a la Rossi. By the end of Bukit Timah it hit me pretty hard that I haven't been pushing myself at all as I felt my body starting to give but that was only the start. We took turns riding in front but towards Thomson I just hung behind as I was not too sure about the way. There was this incredible slope along Upper Thomson that left me completely winded at the end and I had to stop for a breather and a drink. When I got back on my bike, I felt like I was blacking out and my ears were blocked. But we went on anyway and were repaid with some incredible downslopes. There was this bit where I was going at above 50 and it was really exhilerating. Justin guided me when to ease off and when to really push for it (though the whole ride felt like it was a push, really) and to trust myself a lot more without tapping on the brakes. Some FNWR people passed us and they knew Justin. And then more people also passed by who knew him. And then somewhere leading up to Mandai a rider from a pack at the opposite direction of the road 6 lanes away screamed "JUSTIN!". It felt like I was riding behind Lance Armstrong. The pain in my right elbow came at Woodlands but thankfully it was nearing the end. Took a break at Gombak McDonalds for quite a bit before returning home. All in all it was a very pleasant first Mandai ride :)
Had a ride with Justin later that night. It's been about 8 months since we last rode. The floor was pretty wet after the rain so I didn't have a very good feeling about riding. But Justin just went for it and I knew he meant business when he went into an aero tuck and went into the bend leading to Bukit Timah a la Rossi. By the end of Bukit Timah it hit me pretty hard that I haven't been pushing myself at all as I felt my body starting to give but that was only the start. We took turns riding in front but towards Thomson I just hung behind as I was not too sure about the way. There was this incredible slope along Upper Thomson that left me completely winded at the end and I had to stop for a breather and a drink. When I got back on my bike, I felt like I was blacking out and my ears were blocked. But we went on anyway and were repaid with some incredible downslopes. There was this bit where I was going at above 50 and it was really exhilerating. Justin guided me when to ease off and when to really push for it (though the whole ride felt like it was a push, really) and to trust myself a lot more without tapping on the brakes. Some FNWR people passed us and they knew Justin. And then more people also passed by who knew him. And then somewhere leading up to Mandai a rider from a pack at the opposite direction of the road 6 lanes away screamed "JUSTIN!". It felt like I was riding behind Lance Armstrong. The pain in my right elbow came at Woodlands but thankfully it was nearing the end. Took a break at Gombak McDonalds for quite a bit before returning home. All in all it was a very pleasant first Mandai ride :)
Friday, January 1, 2010
01/01/10
Finally got to celebrate Kevin's birthday today! Only it was in the wrong year already, and it was 2 weeks late. :( So even if last night I was doing new year's eve night shift , even as we fulfilled the resolutions of all the crazy people whose wish was to get arrested in 2010 (it takes all kinds), even as the promised Fong Seng nasi lemak supper never came (the tapao-ed spaghetti from Breeks was good though!), we were going to meet.
Some of you may have found sometime in your life that it is next to impossible to give me a treat. Meet Kevin, who somehow managed to squeeze between me and impossible. As fortune favours the brave, success favours the (annoyingly) persistent. Thanks lots for the souvenir from Turkey! Even though we can't decide what is embroidered on it, it's very nice :)
Since I wasn't able to do this properly last night, I'm going to do it now before I pass out from exhaustion. Thanks everyone who has made 2009 beautiful for me, for putting up with me, keeping me company and encouraging me to be better. To my wonderful colleague for teaching me that even when I grow old, I don't have to grow up. And to God for making everything come together and keeping me safe.
Blessed 2010 =)
Some of you may have found sometime in your life that it is next to impossible to give me a treat. Meet Kevin, who somehow managed to squeeze between me and impossible. As fortune favours the brave, success favours the (annoyingly) persistent. Thanks lots for the souvenir from Turkey! Even though we can't decide what is embroidered on it, it's very nice :)
Since I wasn't able to do this properly last night, I'm going to do it now before I pass out from exhaustion. Thanks everyone who has made 2009 beautiful for me, for putting up with me, keeping me company and encouraging me to be better. To my wonderful colleague for teaching me that even when I grow old, I don't have to grow up. And to God for making everything come together and keeping me safe.
Blessed 2010 =)
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