30/5/08

Somehow my life as a NSman has got me thinking about what it means to live as a christian. Although I've been trying really hard to not use vulgar language and all inside (it can be REALLY hard sometimes), being a christian would mean so much more than that. At first I thought I'd try to do my best in everything, but soon tiredness and sheer laziness made me give in. I still get pissed off, break the rules when nobody is looking, which doesn't make me too different from the people around me.

Yesterday was a real lesson for me on anger. There's just a thin line between playfulness and sheer stupid and offensive irritation to me. Somebody just crossed it yesterday and if it were the same me 10 years back I think I would have just gone out and choked that guy till he turned blue. It's really hard for me to think properly when the anger just floods in and pushes everything else out. I'm glad I had the opportunity to clear my head abit instead of responding to the provocation.

Not so lucky though, was the guy who I've been marching beside everyday. Almost everyone was just tired after a super long day of training and when we got back we got the most super tekan we had ever. Halfway through I was just laughing the whole thing off because I realised besides my tiredness, there wasn't really anything much to be annoyed about regarding the whole affair, knowing that it's NS afterall and such things are to be expected and endured. Well, that guy's quite a hothead and got a little impatient and nearly sparked a racial fight over a little careless reply which was taken too severely by a group of people just too ready to let off their frustrations at the earliest excuse. A short scuffle ensued but soon the group was dispersed, not without heated and hurtful exchanges though. For the time we have spent together, this whole idea of being a squad has instead proven to be so fragile.

We're all in this shit called NS together, we should build instead of tear down. Otherwise, it's just 6 weeks more anyway, before sayonara. By then, regrets will be only too late.

Are We Happy Plastic People?

Casting Crowns - Stained Glass Masquerade

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin’ so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they’ll soon discover
That I don’t belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything’s okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I’ll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation’s open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who’s been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who’s traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

25/5/08

I think I'm starting to have a problem. A really big problem. It involves alot from me. But I don't know if I am prepared to do it.

I HAVE TO STOP GOING TO BEN AND JERRY'S!!

This is the 3rd Sunday in a row that I've gone there for ice cream. Whoever came up with too much of a good thing is bad obviously hasn't eaten from a B&J tub before. It's almost one of the best things in the world. Right up there with listening to Ayumi Hamasaki through a Sennheiser Orpheus and wearing a Panerai.

Brian last week, Xin Ning this week, so who's up to sharing a tub next wee... ARGH!! Dang I just said I had a problem.

Caught Made of Honor after that when Jed and his 2 friends came. Another cotton candy sorta film with a happy ending, but it was really funny and entertaining. The leads shared pretty good chemistry which carried the film through.

A slice of starbucks oreo cheesecake later and I'm off to camp soon for yet another week!

Do I have any excuse

Catching up with some JC classmates over msn today made me realize I've been content while just letting the friendships I had just get eroded by the winds of time. Perhaps I could say to myself, NS takes up my week, leaving me the weekends and only so much I could do, so many people I could meet up with and be content with that. The truth will probably be that there's always something I could do, an encouraging word for somebody who's down, or just being there for someone. It'd be a total shame if after these 2 years I look back and find myself with nothing but self-preservation.

19/5/08

Lugged the insanely heavy CPU back to Sim Lim Square this morning, found the shop closed :( was in a little fix because my dad was waiting for me in the event its closed so he could take me home. Fortunately after loitering for abit one of the staff from Fuwell told me they'd open at 12pm.

The same guy who fixed my computer up was there before the shop opened too. Since I was there really early, he attended to my computer first, though there were 4-5 people by the time it opened. Whew. He was a little pissed because the other guy working with him wasn't there yet and basically I reversed all the work he did because I restored everything to factory's defaults. He was really nice though, letting me exchange the RAM which he thought was faulty for a new one, and later when it was found that my motherboard couldn't take that many RAM sticks, got me a refund. Weiting was right to say that even though they charge abit more, "they don't tell you to **** off when you return with anything wrong". He troubleshooted for really long and installed Vista for me at no charge. That's real service and I thank God for people like that, or my dad will be really pissed with me since he wanted me to get a ready-made one from the start.

Met Xin Ning later at Bugis for the start of the Indian food outing! In the end didn't go to Little India (awwwwww, my HOME) and went to Arab Street instead to eat at Zam Zam. Anyway, kinda ironic a CHINESE (don't start your half-malay thing again) had to bring an INDIAN (true black Indian) to eat INDIAN (muslim) food. Thanks for the treat :P Went back to Bugis to restock for the week. Hope my cough mixture in camp doesn't run out because I have quite a nice stash of chocolates for this week :D :D :D Headed down to Chinatown afterward for traditional chinese desserts at Mei Heong Yuen Dessert that she had been raving about for a while. The desserts were rather nice even for a non-chinese-dessert-fan. Gotta bring my mum down someday, she goes crazy for chinese desserts. All in all, a fulfilling public holiday even though I didn't get to setup my computer yet (cya on friday!).

New Computer!

Finally after like 10 years of using my ancient computer my dad agreed for me to buy another one. I don't really know how I managed to keep it surviving and eventually franken-ed it to a crazy storage device. Happily trotted down to Sim Lim Square today with Fuyong with 1k sitting in my back pocket. After telling the guy what I wanted from the list he was kinda bewildered as to why I need so many harddisks. He asked his colleagues around what would be suitable hardware for that number of harddisks and soon the whole shop knew I was going to put so many harddisks. He was really nice and accompanied me up to where they assemble the computers even though the shop was kinda busy because there was a certain way he thought the harddisks should be arranged, later found out he was the boss. The guy fixing computers was really nice too, kinda attended to fixing my computer first despite there being a little queue. Kept on assuring me he knew what he was doing and did my computer in like 15 minutes flat whilst giving me alot of advice. Fuyong came to my place for dinner and after seeing him to the bus stop, attempted to get my PC booted with Vista.

2.5 hours later... still trying to get my PC booted with Vista. Apparantly I think some settings are way off whack but I've no idea what and restarted like 50 times while trying to change the settings. Tried XP and didn't work either. Bummer. Decided that I'd try till midnight and that's it. True enough, didn't work. So I'll bring it to the shop tomorrow. Gonna follow the advice of Toru Okada's uncle in Haruki Murakami's The Wind - Up Bird Chronicle; “You’ve got to spend your money for the things that money can buy, not worry about profit or loss. Save your energy for the things that money can’t buy.” Hope I can find someone to fix it tomorrow!

Worry

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life? 28 And why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not clothed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you —you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear?’ 32 For it is the Gentiles who strive for all these things; and indeed your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But strive first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
34 “So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today’s trouble is enough for today (Matthew 6:24-34)

If I were to dissect my thoughts in a day, I would invariably find that worries occupy alot of that time. Worries over things I have control over if I were to stop worrying and start doing something, and worries over things that are completely taken out of my hands, but I worry anyway. For all that worry, I should be thankful that only a few strands on white hair dot my head. Perhaps it's the way my brain functions, poring over the details, the possibilities, the eventualities that may but probably would never happen over and over again. I know that no matter what stands in my way, God has and will always make a happy ending for me. I've decided, for this week as a start, to stop needlessly expending my energy by worrying.

What's the use of worrying, It never was worthwhile, so pack up your troubles in your old kit bag, and smile, smile, smile. :)

10/5/08

It's been a pretty difficult, not to mention tiring time the past 4 days for my nuclear and extended family. It's thanks to all the help and support we got from relatives and friends that saw us through these few days. Although we probably won't get to thank everyone who helped in some way or another, in our hearts we are grateful for everything. Personally I would like to make special mention to Brian. Amazing guy helped out alot like he was my parent's son. Kept my relatives wittingly or unwittingly entertained too. Don't know what I'd do without him and I think I could say the same for my family. Also to the one who wants me to imagine what it's like to have my balls kicked 100 times (I DONT HAVE ENEMIES THAT BAD LAH, besides apnn currently, even then, it's the other way round!). Thanks Xin Ning for being there the past few days with encouragement and coming down and all. Vincent the new recruit who spent his first bookout with us, know he loves cell alot, so it's really a sacrifice, so a big thank you to you too! Kiat who was there for me before and during this trying time and rushed after school for the services. Elizabeth who always encourages, Kevin the OFFICER who rushed after his bookout, and also to the efforts of everyone else who came which I'm not aware about, since I didn't really talk much because was busy with this and that. To all the people in Elohim, sorry didn't talk to you guys, but thanks for coming all the same! To all those that didn't hear about what happened at all, it's because I didn't tell you!! Sorry about it, but I'm sure you guys would have been there for me.

8/5/08

Today's the first day of the funeral, great to have Brian, Jia Ling and Xin Ning over at the afternoon which really cheered me up. Later in the afternoon something amazing happened which ensured I wouldn't need to go back tonight which really put my heart at ease, though I was all prepared to go back, since that's all the compassion they have in their compassion leave (wadda shit poor excuse of compassion leave), but I was really going to leave (pun un-intended) as it is. But what to say, God really loves me and my family alot and intervened, leaving someone of a certain color from a certain place left to take back certain words and to suck his certain thumb in certain humility. It isn't me to push the matter, and I think that your cold-heartedness is retribution enough for you.

Brian was a great help all evening, and he made good friends with some of my uncles and aunts. Chris dropped by and I hope he does well for his final tests tomorrow. Kiat came later in the evening too and stayed through service, through which I cried quite alot again. Though there were a few hiccups that evening, I guess nobody could really be experienced when it comes to funerals and we all tried our best. My sister came back which is a real relief to everyone since away from home, nobody really knew how she was and was unable to comfort her. It was a difficult time for her too but I hope that being with us all for support she'd pull it through.

7/5/08

I would like to thank everyone who has had an encouraging word for my family. I was kinda too tired to reply everyone properly as I should, but please forgive me and know that from the bottom of my heart I appreciate every one of you. It's heartening to see how my family has pulled together at this time, from my mum's bro's family coming over to help clear our mess of a house at past midnight, to another cousin who's trying to get a ticket for my sis to come back even before she's touched down.

6/5/08

To see before my eyes a disease that left a once confident, smart and adventurous individual to someone who found speaking too tiring is painful, and for it to happen to one as dear as my sister, devastatingly so. A part of me is happy that she has left her body of suffering under the multiple needles and drugs that all seeked to increase her discomfort. Another part, the greater part is regretful that I did not spend enough time with her. Somehow the thought that my sister would leave this world never really occurred to me.

I just pray that at this time, when many prophecies have been given by pastors and well-meaning people alike regarding my sister's restoration of health has gone unfulfilled, my family at this time, more than at any, would seek comfort and draw strength from God. I worry for my parents, at this time virtually childless with my other sister just flown off for her studies this evening and I at camp, will be able to pull through this dark hour.

To Cheryl: I'm glad you have left this place for a much better one. Though I mourn of your disappearance now, see you again in heaven.

2/5/08

Being able to bookout today is a testament of God's goodness to me. Booking in last sunday and finding out that IPPT is on wed, and the flu just waiting to erupt, wasn't exactly good news. I wanted very much to pass the IPPT because next sunday is reflective service and being able to come out on the friday before it would give me more time to practice for it. Hence, I was pretty determined to try my best for the IPPT even if my body didn't agree with me on wed. But my plans didn't include provisions for the fever which meant instant failure for IPPT since I didn't attend it. Hence, it was narrowed down to stay-in for either this week or next. When today it was confirmed that stay-in was this saturday, I was darn happy, possibly the only person who had to stay in who was happy about it. I went down fully dressed for remedial physical training at 5.30pm and assembled when my instructor noticed I was there and asked me what happened to me on wednesday. Reminded him I was on MC and he asked if I passed the previous IPPT or not. Since I did, apparantly I didn't have to stay in for this round.

It took me a while to decide to play for the upcoming meditative service, and right now I can see God's hand in putting everything together. Thanks :)