Today's sermon really struck a chord in my heart. Before I begin my reflections, I would like to put certain disclaimers in place. I'm not going to seperate what was shared by Chris and what are my personal reflections. So if something sounds really smart, it's probably what Chris shared, if it sounds like mumbled gibberish, it's probably my own reflections part. If I made something sound like it was from Chris but it wasn't, I apologize.
Here goes.
The topic of today's sermon was "What to do when I hate myself". That's a really strong statement and I couldn't say I hate myself per se, probably just the flaws that I am aware of in myself or those that others point out to me. The hate that Chris was referring to, was not a hate of something general, for example, I hate it when people lap me when I run 2.4km. It's more of the hating of ourselves because of the sins we commit. The point was that sin did not make us any more unworthy in God's eyes. The illustration Chris gave was that of a diamond covered in mud; that we still have an intrinsic value that cannot be diminished by sin (illustrated by the mud, in this case). As a support of our value, God has created us to be the crown of creation, far above all other created beings. Even after we sinned and caused Him major grief, He still sacrificed His son for us. So if we take it that God thought us comparable in value, we must be worth quite alot.
Now that we got our inherent value bit out of the way, it's more of the sin part and our approach after committing it. As a regular christian we would have certainly heard the bit about if we repent of our sins then we are forgiven, as it is said in the bible. For some of us, we make excuses for our habitual sins as our God-given conscience seems to be getting hoarse and losing its voice, or find ourselves too unworthy and avoid approaching God altogether. This last sentence spoke the most to me because I find myself falling into it VERY often. The solution would be to have a contrite heart. The meaning of this word contrite is simple yet really difficult to attain. It speaks of being aware, having a sincere remorse of one's wrong coupled with the desire to atone for it. This concept is mentioned in Psalms 51 where David apologized to God for his sins. This passage also contains the knowledge that David has of God's character, that God did not hate him for the sins he committed but rather for the sins he committed.
A speaker once shared in COR youth that there are 2 ways to not sin; namely to remove the desire and to remove the opportunity. Too many services attended, I think I've heard messages like these far too often and forgotten them shortly after just as often. This time, I'm writing it down and remembering it so I'd do something about it!
After service went lunch with Kiat and the others. Haven't had lunch with him in abit because either of us had something on or somehow just didn't end up eating together. This cumulates to a great weekend because I was able to spend time with my best friends from church. =) Alas I am about to indulge in my next favourite activity, sleeping. If only doing both back to back wouldn't make me fat :(
Sunday, June 29, 2008
29/6/08
Although the weekend hasn't come to an end yet with a whole sunday ahead of me, it's been quite a weekend already! I'll probably spend today ZzzZzz.
Yesterday morning set off to Clementi in the BLAZING sun to get my right earlobe pierced for the first time (READERS READ: I ALREADY PIERCED MY LEFT EARLOBE LAHH) by Xin Ning. Behold, when I entered the shop, her auntie looked at me and said "So you are the friend ah? God bless you" Err okayy, so maybe her services aren't so respected in these areas after all. After being sat down near the rear end of the shop where hopefully curious onlookers won't be so curious she began.. or tried to begin her work. Basically after a few tries at loading the gun and holding it her dad was really afraid I'd come out with privation of hearing in my right ear and he decided to take matters into his own hands and do it himself. Kinda disappointing because I thought Xin Ning was gonna do it, but oh well.
After that and lunch (oh boy, I realised I haven't eaten in Clementi food centre for AGES), I still haven't got enough of needles and decided to donate blood and Xin Ning wanted to see what it was like. The doctor who gives a brief run-through of the health declaration form with the donor was really uptight because I put a tick at the "Had an ear piercing, tattoo or dunno wad in the past dunno how long". He asked me when I pierced my ears and I casually responded "This one today, the other one 2 weeks ago" and I think that set off all the alarm bells in his head because apparantly he was afraid of infection but after calling his colleague to clarify he gave me the go ahead. After the routine checks, went to the donation room and poor Xin Ning wasn't allowed to watch the whole process but the nurses called her in to watch the part where they insert the needle into my arm. I got a little carried away and pointed to the miniature version of the blood bag where they draw blood for testing from and joked with the nurse that it was cute and asked if I could bring it home afterwards. In doing so I drew Xin Ning to notice the BLOOOOD that was flowing and I think that made her quite sick and luckily she didn't faint. Whole process went super smoothly and the nurse was super friendly and professional so I didn't come out with a bruise which could happen sometimes.
After that went to Chinatown for dessert which was nearby and walked around there abit (seem to visit places I haven't been to in ages!). Went home before heading out again to PS for Xin Ning's super belated birthday meal and a treat I owe Brian. Amanda came along too and after dinner went to watch You Don't Mess With the Zohan. The show was pretty crude and full of sexual innuendos but was hilarious as they touched on all the various stereotypes. Shared a tub of Ben and Jerry's between us which I ended up practically finishing (okay not practically, I'M THE ONE WHO DID IT! I DID IT!! HAPPY?!).
Pretty late after that so staying over at Brian's place. I don't know if it's the lack of blood or the lack of sleep but was super tired (couldn't do insane stuff anymore like chat until "HEY I THINK THE SUN IS COMING UP!") and went to sleep early. Off to church soon!
Yesterday morning set off to Clementi in the BLAZING sun to get my right earlobe pierced for the first time (READERS READ: I ALREADY PIERCED MY LEFT EARLOBE LAHH) by Xin Ning. Behold, when I entered the shop, her auntie looked at me and said "So you are the friend ah? God bless you" Err okayy, so maybe her services aren't so respected in these areas after all. After being sat down near the rear end of the shop where hopefully curious onlookers won't be so curious she began.. or tried to begin her work. Basically after a few tries at loading the gun and holding it her dad was really afraid I'd come out with privation of hearing in my right ear and he decided to take matters into his own hands and do it himself. Kinda disappointing because I thought Xin Ning was gonna do it, but oh well.
After that and lunch (oh boy, I realised I haven't eaten in Clementi food centre for AGES), I still haven't got enough of needles and decided to donate blood and Xin Ning wanted to see what it was like. The doctor who gives a brief run-through of the health declaration form with the donor was really uptight because I put a tick at the "Had an ear piercing, tattoo or dunno wad in the past dunno how long". He asked me when I pierced my ears and I casually responded "This one today, the other one 2 weeks ago" and I think that set off all the alarm bells in his head because apparantly he was afraid of infection but after calling his colleague to clarify he gave me the go ahead. After the routine checks, went to the donation room and poor Xin Ning wasn't allowed to watch the whole process but the nurses called her in to watch the part where they insert the needle into my arm. I got a little carried away and pointed to the miniature version of the blood bag where they draw blood for testing from and joked with the nurse that it was cute and asked if I could bring it home afterwards. In doing so I drew Xin Ning to notice the BLOOOOD that was flowing and I think that made her quite sick and luckily she didn't faint. Whole process went super smoothly and the nurse was super friendly and professional so I didn't come out with a bruise which could happen sometimes.
After that went to Chinatown for dessert which was nearby and walked around there abit (seem to visit places I haven't been to in ages!). Went home before heading out again to PS for Xin Ning's super belated birthday meal and a treat I owe Brian. Amanda came along too and after dinner went to watch You Don't Mess With the Zohan. The show was pretty crude and full of sexual innuendos but was hilarious as they touched on all the various stereotypes. Shared a tub of Ben and Jerry's between us which I ended up practically finishing (okay not practically, I'M THE ONE WHO DID IT! I DID IT!! HAPPY?!).
Pretty late after that so staying over at Brian's place. I don't know if it's the lack of blood or the lack of sleep but was super tired (couldn't do insane stuff anymore like chat until "HEY I THINK THE SUN IS COMING UP!") and went to sleep early. Off to church soon!
Friday, June 27, 2008
27/6/08
Coelho writes this line in his bestselling novel, The Alchemist "When a person really desires something, all the universe conspires to help that person realize his dream." Although I cannot explain what that means, I can see it happening this week. Being determined to keep a positive attitude all through has made a large difference.
I had a really strange dream last night (mainly caused by reading Veronika Decides to Die, also by Coelho). I dreamt a doctor told me I had 24 hours left to live. I can't really remember what I did or thought when I woke up in the dream to my last day but it was really scary and I was truly relieved when the lights were turned on at 5.30am (double waking up, cool huh). I used to think if death came for me, I would just let it embrace me, so long as the embrace is not too painful or discomfort. I realised that there are many people and things that I can't bear to leave behind if death were to come a-knocking.
It's funny how a dream about dying made me think more about living. :/
I had a really strange dream last night (mainly caused by reading Veronika Decides to Die, also by Coelho). I dreamt a doctor told me I had 24 hours left to live. I can't really remember what I did or thought when I woke up in the dream to my last day but it was really scary and I was truly relieved when the lights were turned on at 5.30am (double waking up, cool huh). I used to think if death came for me, I would just let it embrace me, so long as the embrace is not too painful or discomfort. I realised that there are many people and things that I can't bear to leave behind if death were to come a-knocking.
It's funny how a dream about dying made me think more about living. :/
Saturday, June 21, 2008
21/6/08
I have learnt that it's so much easier to feel down than to be happy because bitterness needs little tending to and grows like a weed. Last couple of weeks felt that NS was really a drag and couldn't wait for it to all be over and get on with life in university. The fact is that unless eating chocolates makes one's arms strong enough to swim the length of the causeway and perhaps beyond, I'm left with no choice but to just suck it up this 2 years. Beyond that, I think it'll be an absolutely miserable 2 years if it was just spent in endurance. Besides, there's many people/things/events inside to be thankful for but somehow I've just lost the vigour that I had when I enlisted and let this wallow in despair pull the wool over my eyes instead of seeing all the wonderful opportunities and lessons to be learnt in camp.
This week and the weeks after it are going to be different. I'll promise myself that much.
This week and the weeks after it are going to be different. I'll promise myself that much.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
15/6/08
This weekend was totally nuts for me. Feel like I didn't manage to get enough rest and it's soon gonna be another week in camp. Anyway, it was a great weekend nonetheless. Rushed to town on friday evening to get Mil's line settled. Wanted to practice for Saturday but it was really late when I got back so I left it till Sat itself. Saturday morning woke up and knew I had to practice the song for the concert because I wasn't really familiar with it. So I changed the pitch of the song from E to D which was gonna be played in for the concert and listened to it through my headphones while playing the violin, so I was kinda like jamming with the original artist :) Went to church at noon for practice and prayer meeting for the concert. Asked Fuyong to come really really last minute at noon and was glad he was able to make it. EIC was quite a blast, with many people who don't usually perform music in church stepping up to take the stage to make EIC possible. Thank God for everyone who came and how smoothly the whole event went.
Brian somehow became the deliveryman for the furniture that was used for EIC and sending the furniture back today was quite an adventure. I guess that lorrys have a speed reminder that beeps incessantly when the speed goes over 70km/h for a reason but when it comes to Brian, even normal roads become highways. Later we went over to Cathay to park. There was a 1.9m limit bar at the entrance but again for Brian, limits are only there to be breached and he went right in, hitting the bar a little. Going into the carpark was a whole different experience and it almost seemed like he was gonna scrape many things that were hanging on the ceiling like pipes and signs but somehow the lorry was just barely able to clear the ceiling. Lorrys probably aren't too welcome there. After lunch at Paradiz hopped over to Cathay for... *mouth starts to water again* BEN AND JERRY'S ICE CREAM. Xin Ning tried to annihilate my ear lobe there by yanking so hard at my stud whilst trying to remove the backing that I had to bite my lip and keep my tears in. Naw kidding :P The self claimed professional was really not bad. Didn't really feel anything unlike when I try to take it out myself which usually takes ~15 mins and alot of tissue damage.
Since I stopped taking formal lessons in violin last year around April, I haven't really practiced the violin anymore. I put in an hour's practice everyday in secondary 4 but now I think I haven't even played for an hour this whole year. I guess I lost the drive because playing the violin is something that is actually mechanical for me. I am unable to feel music like how many musicians are able to and hence I just play notes, instead of make music. My teachers have remarked that of me, saying that although there is nothing inherently wrong with my violin playing, there's just a lack of any emotion. Perhaps it's because I keep concentrating getting the notes correct instead of taking a step back and looking at the music as a whole. To do the latter, a certain level of technical mastery is involved, which presently, and probably at any point in the past, I lack. For now, my resolution is to take up the violin again and find a few pieces to master properly instead of just flirting with a whole assortment of pieces because I guess it isn't taking me anywhere as a violinist, as a musician.
Brian somehow became the deliveryman for the furniture that was used for EIC and sending the furniture back today was quite an adventure. I guess that lorrys have a speed reminder that beeps incessantly when the speed goes over 70km/h for a reason but when it comes to Brian, even normal roads become highways. Later we went over to Cathay to park. There was a 1.9m limit bar at the entrance but again for Brian, limits are only there to be breached and he went right in, hitting the bar a little. Going into the carpark was a whole different experience and it almost seemed like he was gonna scrape many things that were hanging on the ceiling like pipes and signs but somehow the lorry was just barely able to clear the ceiling. Lorrys probably aren't too welcome there. After lunch at Paradiz hopped over to Cathay for... *mouth starts to water again* BEN AND JERRY'S ICE CREAM. Xin Ning tried to annihilate my ear lobe there by yanking so hard at my stud whilst trying to remove the backing that I had to bite my lip and keep my tears in. Naw kidding :P The self claimed professional was really not bad. Didn't really feel anything unlike when I try to take it out myself which usually takes ~15 mins and alot of tissue damage.
Since I stopped taking formal lessons in violin last year around April, I haven't really practiced the violin anymore. I put in an hour's practice everyday in secondary 4 but now I think I haven't even played for an hour this whole year. I guess I lost the drive because playing the violin is something that is actually mechanical for me. I am unable to feel music like how many musicians are able to and hence I just play notes, instead of make music. My teachers have remarked that of me, saying that although there is nothing inherently wrong with my violin playing, there's just a lack of any emotion. Perhaps it's because I keep concentrating getting the notes correct instead of taking a step back and looking at the music as a whole. To do the latter, a certain level of technical mastery is involved, which presently, and probably at any point in the past, I lack. For now, my resolution is to take up the violin again and find a few pieces to master properly instead of just flirting with a whole assortment of pieces because I guess it isn't taking me anywhere as a violinist, as a musician.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Get Real
Because it has lived its life intensely
the parch of grass still attracts the gaze of passers-by.
The flowers merely flower,
and they do this as well as they can.
The white lily, blooming unseen in the valley,
does not need to explain itself to anyone;
It lives merely for beauty.
Men, however, cannot accept that ‘merely’.
If tomatoes wanted to be melons,
they would look ridiculous.
I am always amazed
that so many people are concerned
with wanting to be what they are not;
what’s the point of making yourself looking ridiculous?
You don’t always have to pretend to be strong,
there’s no need to prove all the time that everything is going well,
you shouldn’t be concerned about what other people are thinking,
cry if you need to,
it’s good to cry out all your tears
(because only then will you be able to smile again).
- Mitsuo Aida
the parch of grass still attracts the gaze of passers-by.
The flowers merely flower,
and they do this as well as they can.
The white lily, blooming unseen in the valley,
does not need to explain itself to anyone;
It lives merely for beauty.
Men, however, cannot accept that ‘merely’.
If tomatoes wanted to be melons,
they would look ridiculous.
I am always amazed
that so many people are concerned
with wanting to be what they are not;
what’s the point of making yourself looking ridiculous?
You don’t always have to pretend to be strong,
there’s no need to prove all the time that everything is going well,
you shouldn’t be concerned about what other people are thinking,
cry if you need to,
it’s good to cry out all your tears
(because only then will you be able to smile again).
- Mitsuo Aida
Saturday, June 7, 2008
7/6/08
Today's a super duper computer day. Reformatted my computer 3 times, almost suffered a nasty heart attack when I thought my harddisks all got corrupted, and DIDN'T EAT CHOCOLATE (WHICH MAKES ME REALLY GRUMPY). I finally decided to give Vista a chance *holds out arms in suspicious embrace* though I think a reformat is in order everytime something goes wrong.
Anyway, I'm pretty proud of myself, because I went a week without Ben and Jerry's. Walked past it at Raffles City yesterday and wasn't tempted... yup *nods head*, not one bit. Had dinner at Shokudo with Fuyong, Valerie and Belinda to celebrate Belinda's birthday. It's like Marché albeit with Japanese food. I can't really give a verdict for the food because when I come out of camp my taste buds stay whacked for a while. Kinda enjoyed it though. Later, walked into Cocoa Tree and tried my best to drag myself out afterwards. Can't really remember what happened afterwards because all I was thinking about was chocolates. Argh, lovely lovely chocolates.
In the end, I chose NTU over SMU to pursue my university education. Up to Sunday morning was quite set on SMU, even almost applied for it on Saturday night. Many many factors lumped up together and haphazardly weighed and somehow I'm going to NTU instead. Weeeeee
Anyway, I'm pretty proud of myself, because I went a week without Ben and Jerry's. Walked past it at Raffles City yesterday and wasn't tempted... yup *nods head*, not one bit. Had dinner at Shokudo with Fuyong, Valerie and Belinda to celebrate Belinda's birthday. It's like Marché albeit with Japanese food. I can't really give a verdict for the food because when I come out of camp my taste buds stay whacked for a while. Kinda enjoyed it though. Later, walked into Cocoa Tree and tried my best to drag myself out afterwards. Can't really remember what happened afterwards because all I was thinking about was chocolates. Argh, lovely lovely chocolates.
In the end, I chose NTU over SMU to pursue my university education. Up to Sunday morning was quite set on SMU, even almost applied for it on Saturday night. Many many factors lumped up together and haphazardly weighed and somehow I'm going to NTU instead. Weeeeee
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