19/01/10

Shree once asked me at work "How come I never see you angry?". If memory serves me I said something in reply to the effect of I usually turn the person who's trying to get me mad into something amusing in my mind.

I later read in one of Murakami's novels a character who professed the following: A person may anger or annoy me, but not for long. I can distinguish between myself and another as beings of two different realms. It’s a kind of talent (by which I do not mean to boast: it’s not an easy thing to do, so if you can do it, it is a kind of talent - a special power). When someone gets on my nerves, the first thing I do is transfer the object of my unpleasant feelings to another domain, one having no connection with me. Then I tell myself, Fine, I’m feeling bad, but I’ve put the source of these feelings into another zone, away from here, where I can examine it and deal with it later in my own good time. In other words, I put a freeze on my emotions. Later, when I thaw them out to perform the examination, I do occasionally find my emotions still in a distressed state, but that is rare. The passage of time will usually extract the venom from most things and render them harmless. Then, sooner or later, I forget about them. I realised that I can too identify with this and use it sometimes.

Sometimes it's not easy to be doing what I do. People don't go to NPCs to tell the officers what a wonderful day they had. The lightest hearted people we come across are those changing address (even this is not always the case). We may not be trained to dig shoulder deep trenches or to survive for a week without a bath but this is not a very easy thing to deal with, day in day out. Of course, nary a day goes by when I thank God that I am here and not there

Just happens that the past week or so has worn me quite a fair bit with things happening on off days. It's probably not even such a big deal. I still get ample sleep. Perhaps it was having less time for myself and to sort out the garbage, metaphorically speaking.

Energy levels sunk really low the past 2 shifts and I saw how it drained my patience along with it. It then struck me for the first time, that perhaps one of the reasons I don't get angry so easily, is that it is pretty difficult for me to forgive people. And when I get angry, it REALLY gnaws at me, and like how a salad spinner spins the water out of lettuce, anger spins good sense out my ears. I'm glad I dealt with it the way I did though, choosing not to say anything while I was still angry (MY TONGUE SPITS FIRE, BABY!). I'm also glad I said sorry first. I found out a really good way to deal with anger is to deal with the person one-to-one, when the ego is subdued, and talk things out. Making things right can turn out so much sweeter than being right.

I guess I've just been lucky all this while, being able to run away from anger. But I couldn't run forever, like how it managed to catch up with me. I'm happy I learnt a bit more about myself and how to punch anger in the face the next time I see it.

Of course, in a non-angry way =)