21/12/09

The other day, we went out from the car and my partner realised we had forgotten to bring the camera along. Returning to the car, I remarked, "When you act, you need the props". The comment didn't mean much then. Perhaps I heard it somewhere before. It seemed to be an appropriate joke then.

I didn't think too much about it. If I revisited every comment that spent less than a half a second percolated in my brain before it came out, I would be kept busy. Watching Noriko's Dinner Table (2005) just brought that incident back into my mind.

Being so immersed in acting that you are able to feel the sensations your character feels and completely forgetting yourself must be acting of the highest level. It was chilling, even, to watch as the characters part of the "family-circles" take on their persona.

After watching it, it dawned on me that what I do isn't all that different. Putting on the uniform each shift I transform into someone else. This character that is part my own construct based on what I think people's expectations of me are, and when they let me know quite overtly what they are. The procedures part is pretty easy - usually watching what my more experienced colleagues do and taking bits here and there and combining it to become my own. Knowing what I have to do aside, the bit that troubles me more is who I am supposed to be. What do I tell the person who has been telling me all the things that are going wrong in their marriage with a mixture of words, tears and snot? I don't know if it's more cruel - to tell the person that if there's nothing more that I am legally and procedurally obliged and empowered to assist I'll take my leave, or stand there with an earnest look plastered on my face while giving careful, calculated replies which I think will make that person feel better when my heart's circuit breaker had been already triggered and feeling disgusted at my hypocrisy.

In situations like that where things aren't A or B (they never are), the basis of my decisions and actions so far has been whether I am able to make that person feel better. Another dilemma presents itself, whether to fulfil this principle, had I told an untruth or led that person to having certain expectations which will eventually be shattered.

That's the circle of life... just like the numbers after 3.14 in pi continue without end, real circles can never be perfect. But if you draw a circle with a compass and a big fat marker, a thick outline will make it seem perfect